I came across this old post in my laptop yesterday and decided to post. Four months later.
Someone is out to get me! I know it. I am gonna die a slow painful death when they find me. The person or persons, have means. They could be a Corporation incorporated in a country like Luxembourg or the Cayman Islands. Either way, I’m screwed. So you will have to understand when I ignore you because you are in a black suit. I can’t tell who is on their payroll, you see. One thing is for sure though; Lexy is in with the fix. Lexy is my pirate, my movie guy. He scours the internet late at night so that I and other Nairobians can get cheap movies, nice chap. Anyway the Corporation, or the company, got to Lexy.
Now I’m a simple guy, which is to say I don’t run around naked at night or wear capes and fly halfway around the world at night. Also, I don’t turn into a vampire or a wolf. I’m just skin and bones really. And I love movies. Good movies; which means I don’t watch Nigerian and Indian movies. You can’t blame me for that. Nigerians are hell-bent on turning people into…small people and putting them into bottles, or turning them into snakes. That scares me. The Indians on the other hand, break into song at every opportunity. A guy gets hacked to death with a machete and everyone breaks into song. I mean everyone. The dead guy’s family, assorted domestic animals ,his debtors and creditors, the killer’s mother-in-law, the killer himself, the beggar…..everyone. And this happens before they even pick the body. It’s a party after that. I’m sorry but I can’t trust people who sing and dance when a guy dies. I fear that I might catch the habit. To cut a long story short, I love Hollywood movies, the good ones anyway. But you’d be shocked at what passes for movies these days. So to avoid the agony of bad movies, I have strict preferences which I made known to Lexy. I also gave him some threats to go with the preferences. They go well those two, threats and preferences. But it appears that the company came in heavy with threats because Lexy now doesn’t fear me. He just hangs me out to dry in front of my own TV. After all, he’s got black suits protecting him now.
On Thursday, I passed by Lexy’s to get me the weekend’s stash. But first, I called him so that he could get me Mad Men season 4. I swing by his place at around 3 in the afternoon. Just before I enter the building, I meet Lexy on his way out. He tells me everything is set except for the Mad Men. “But don’t worry, Said is bringing it from Westlands” He assures me. So I take the stairs up and find Lexy’s assistant. She has tattoos all over and is a looker. Not to be confused with a hooker who is also a looker but who doesn’t sell movies. I easily pick out 7 good flicks out of the intended 10. She tells me to take A Secret Handshake and before she can say another word I say “Gay!” That settles that. She suggests I take Assassin in Love and I shoot it down. “Why would I want to watch a movie about an Assassin in love?” I ask her. ‘Assassins, the real ones, don’t fall in love. What they love is killing people and getting paid to do that’, I explain to her. Before she can respond, two guys come in and ask for, rather desperately, the Assassin in love. “Please, give it to me first. I was here first. Remember?” I immediately plead with her. I hate myself for being easily influenced. Two more movies to go. The guys ask for A Secret Handshake and I follow suit. I’m hot on their heels now. Anything they take, I’ll take too. Who do they think they are? But that’s it for the guys, they up and leave. I don’t know those guys, but I hate them. They ruined my life. Ok, they just ruined one day. I wish I never met them. One movie to go now. I am now running out of time and out of choice so I ask little Miss Thang to recommend one. She gives me a movie called Assault Girls. Sounds like a good flick, so I pick, pay and dash to have some lunch with this lady who was running late(more like crawling but who’s asking).
Fast forward to Sunday morning; I have watched all but two of the ten movies and these were; A Secret Handshake and Assault girls. I didn’t have much to do on Sunday having missed church (but I at least went to the barber for a shave). So after no deliberation, I slot in A Secret Handshake and sit back to enjoy. I see some couple having issues(very original) then in another scene, the guy is tied to a bed. He then comes back to find he went on a trip and he can’t remember. This happens again and….25 minutes into the movie and nothing new. The acting sucks, the plot sucks, it’s a series of sucks ….but I laboured on like our coalition government, like a soldier. Five more minutes and it’s in the trash can. I just couldn’t stand it.
I did the next logical thing, I slotted in Assault girls. I figured nothing could go wrong with a movie of that title. It starts playing. There is some fella talking. Some monologue about people and reality. He is speaking in a hushed tone like he is hiding from a blood thirsty serial killer, or like he just woke up with a killer hangover. There are Japanese subtitles. Nothing is happening but talk. The guy carries on his soliloquy; he is now onto religion, philosophy and that whole shebang. 5 minutes into the movie and nothing. I doze off for a couple of minutes. When I wake up, I find some dude walking alone in some desert like land……..
The movie was…..rotten. It’s highlight was when some giant snake appeared and ate the guy. And even then, he lived to fight another day. I was livid. I remember that I wanted Lexy’s liver on a platter; steamed. I still do. Shel, can I call in that favour?